The Word According To Colonia Jesus

Spear, Simps and Retards

So just when you think as a major cult figure, that you have seen everything, mankind reminds you how fucking stupid they are and push the boundaries of their utter retardedness further. From satanic rituals in the arse of a fleet carrier manufacturing plant to grown people watching a shitting bimbo sleep on twitch. Humanity knows no bounds when it comes to just being such spergtastically fucking shitters.

At the very peak of the shitter mountain, we have Spear, the so-called “player-driven ATR”. ATR must stand for Akumas Toxic Rebuyers. I fucking avoid them like a literal plague, I fear even my ever-pure holiness would have a shit stain on it if I happened across their bullshit in System. It is not bad enough they fucked up the nebula, but they now seem to really think that they are the law. Throwing their attitude and toxic bullshit round like it is a badge of twatting honor. And of course, now their ineptitude spreads to the PS4, yes you heard it they came on UR PS4, dirty bastards.

Recently my focus itself has been more of a Colonia Sherriff role, I uncovered a plot to destroy the Colonia Carrier Manufacturing Plant. I happened across a number of tin foil hatted thundercunts ensconced in the bowels of the plant in their souped-up sidewinders.

HMM felching fuckers what you upto?


I can tell you that they paid the price for their tomfoolery when I stuck a full volley of Missiles right up their rectums. There was Shitwinder internals everywhere. What at first looked like a debauched scene from the local Freemason Tarts and Vicars party soon looked more like a follow-up to “I got my dick stuck in a food blender and couldn’t find the off switch”. They claimed victory but I claimed their fucking foreskins for my new bath mat.

I took a recent trip back to the bubble; I felt the locals there needed my guidance in the wake of the volcano of effluent from the ever-waking Speargtards. The swell of disapproval was refreshing and the stories of their inability to even police their own bad breath soon heartened me. I should point out that I made a record-breaking Baptism this visit, I baptized Cmdr Beamkids in Colonia and less than 14 minutes later I baptized his bubble twin Cmdr Maxspace in Eravate. I claim the intergalactic title of pan space baptism speedrun.

Colonia itself has been fairly busy and many new faces were vaccinated to protect my flock. You would think the ungrateful bastards would be thankful that not only did I save them from the virus but I also saved them a 4-minute Supercruise across the system to Jaques. I licensed the Gonk’n’go fast delivery service to help me in the process. The Kings of Davs also completed their year-long vigil at the Davs Hope site, a whole year of lockdown completed. Thousands of cmdrs were caught stealing the holy artifacts and made to pay the price the fucking greedy cunts. For anyone wishing to collect a Permit please visit Cmdr Leman Russ VI in Sothis where he will stamp your fucking card well and truly.


Whilst in the Bubble I came across a phenomenon that was more alien to me than a thargoid gangbang, It seems that a race of humans, mainly of the male orientation have fixated on nubile, scantily clad, and frankly way out of their league women on the platform Twitch. This race of beings bears the name SIMPS. Latching on to some pipe dream that the money-grabbing bitch on screen really does “like” them and that if they simp fucking hard enough she may throw them a fucking bone to suck on. Such “women” seem to thrive on smutty schoolboy crushes whilst grooming the simps E-PEEN to milk them for their adoration. In truth said simps are pissing in the wind and have got no fucking chance of even being noticed. These simps will defend their liege both vociferously and with so much cringe that would cause any normal human being to sneeze, vomit and shit all at the same time. I struggled to believe such inadequate specimens existed till I caught wind of 15000 fucking simplords watching a stream of girl sleeping, in the vain hope that they would finally get a flash of their very first gash. Fucking virgins man, they ain’t special you should ask my mum she was a virgin all her life, My dad fucking still thinks she was shagging the milkman behind her back and made up the immaculate conception to save her arse.


And what of my man Albino? Well, that shitlord has only gone and bought one of them fucking Fleet Carrier things. Lording it around the bubble like the cunt he is. I clearly pay that arse bandit way too much. I have to admit though it made my bubble vacation much more comfortable. Shame however that you cannot get a strip club installed then I could bring old two titty tina with me next time.

Well, that’s pretty much it, so in essence, we should take the following away from this sermon,

  • Spear are fucking retards
  • Spear are fucking shit
  • Spear will come on your PS4
  • Simps are fucking retards
  • Simps are fucking shit
  • Simps will come on their keyboards.
  • And finally that Albino is going soft in the head and needs a good fucking booping.

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