The Word According To Colonia Jesus

​Who Stole All The Bog Roll

I figured my time has come to have my say on the current state of the Galaxy, Well earthlings you went and fucked it all right up you bunch of utter cunts. All you had to do was stay at home for a few weeks and sweat it out, but noooooo you could not do a simple fucking thing like that could you?? You had to rape every toilet roll shelf in the Solar System and now I got shag all to wipe my fucking arse on?? As we speak Covid-19 is spreading across the Galaxy faster than a Carebear can pull out his Ethernet cord when he sees a hollow icon on his radar. So now I am having to resort to wiping my crack on last years Christmas Carol Song sheets. I can promise you I will pay you back for every shitting paper cut I now have between my perfect cheeks.

It started with some greedy bastard eating a bloody bat, I mean what did the fucking bat ever do?? Granted the squeaky fuckers are creepier than a conference centre full of those Fricking Furries, but still what did they ever do to deserve being eaten?? Why not murder all the damn Furries and eat them?? They can stick their Fursonas right up their arse. A faggier bunch of arse bandits it would be harder to stumble across. Anyway, I digress, back to bats and the Chinese. So those shortarsed takeaway toting twats have now cursed everyone all for the sake of sucking off a bat, and now we are all being ganked by Corona.

So, there I was in my apartment laughing my dick off in Colonia at the state of the bubble as lockdown after lockdown kicked in. Thinking to myself that we were safe in my little oasis. No fucker is gonna come piss on my bonfire I thought. But no, the only thing worse than Bat chomping, bog roll hoarding, Dettol drinking Earthlings is those fucking explorers. Not content with passing their shit onto everyone for 5000Ly they come to my front fucking door. With their coughs and sniffles and 2m fucking social distancing. What a load of cack licking retards they are. Social fucking distancing?? I mean what the actual fuck, if they managed to come fucking 22000ly what is 2 metres gonna matter to em???

Anyway, no matter now they are here, like a wart on a strippers fanny they are just gonna make life awkward all round, I mean who is gonna wanna pay money to see a warty twat? They are here now and last time I had a cough like this was the last time I drank all of Bush Rats gin and found out it was Majiks fungal toe rot remedy. Yeah I got pissed but I had to wait 3 weeks for my tonsils to grow back. On the plus side those nodes on my vocal cords were fixed. I am sat here wondering what the frig to do now??? Well aside from visiting Lickdongers station and running my naked body along all the corridors and wiping my shitty arse on all their cutlery. I could ask my dad to fix the problem but he won’t he got it too and being 6-million-year-old the Feds have locked him down in his treehouse away from mum.

On a none Corona note i am pleased to say that Cmdr Bino "no i ain't fucking mexican" Sanchez has been spreading the lords word and fighting the Anarchists fight. In between slipping away to boop the BushRat at every possible opportunity. Fuego the shite knight has arrived in the region and despite his lawful claim seems to be picking a fight with every one. Phisto is just Phisto, he got to be making coin on the shit thats going down. I am betting he has a warehouse full of shit roll and hand sanitizer, all handy stuff for that sneaky finger blast or a posh wank without infecting yourself or the rest of teh population. Oh and Fuckdev have announced the release of their latest shitfest in fleet carriers, and thats great just gonna bring more dickheads from the bubble our way.

So I am going to leave now with some suggestions for making life a bit easier over the next few weeks.

  • Kill anyone whose name rhymes with Wing or Wong or is seen flying an Asp Explorer it is all their fault.
  • When sneezing always use the correct method

  • Ingesting bleach anally is said to give you a sore arse, so do not do that.
  • Covering exposed skin/orifices is advised, I have some spare condoms for those that need an all over body suit (I only used them twice)

  • Have plenty of bored games if you’re stuck indoors. Real life Cluedo is a great substitute where you can use either an explorer, lickdonger or a Curry munching bat addict as a corpse
  • The virus is said to attack the young, elderly and vulnerable first so make them sleep near the door to protect yourself.
  • If you start to run out of the essentials Call me I got a great takeaway racket going with the Golden Sun Restaurant they are doing a special on Chicken (honest)

  • Finally if all else fails Go buy some of Majiks Fungal Toe Rot remedy, it tastes like shit but by the time you sober up it will all be over.

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