The Word According To Colonia Jesus
So just when you think as a major cult figure, that you have seen everything, mankind reminds you how fucking stupid they are and push the boundaries of their utter retardedness further. From satanic rituals in the arse of a fleet carrier manufacturing plant to grown people watching a shitting bimbo sleep on twitch. Humanity knows no bounds when it comes to just being such spergtastically fucking shitters.
At the very peak of the shitter mountain, we have Spear, the so-called “player-driven ATR”. ATR must stand for Akumas Toxic Rebuyers. I fucking avoid them like a literal plague, I fear even my ever-pure holiness would have a shit stain on it if I happened across their bullshit in System. It is not bad enough they fucked up the nebula, but they now seem to really think that they are the law. Throwing their attitude and toxic bullshit round like it is a badge of twatting honor. And of course, now their ineptitude spreads to the PS4, yes you heard it they came on UR PS4, dirty bastards.
Recently my focus itself has been more of a Colonia Sherriff role, I uncovered a plot to destroy the Colonia Carrier Manufacturing Plant. I happened across a number of tin foil hatted thundercunts ensconced in the bowels of the plant in their souped-up sidewinders.
I can tell you that they paid the price for their tomfoolery when I stuck a full volley of Missiles right up their rectums. There was Shitwinder internals everywhere. What at first looked like a debauched scene from the local Freemason Tarts and Vicars party soon looked more like a follow-up to “I got my dick stuck in a food blender and couldn’t find the off switch”. They claimed victory but I claimed their fucking foreskins for my new bath mat.
I took a recent trip back to the bubble; I felt the locals there needed my guidance in the wake of the volcano of effluent from the ever-waking Speargtards. The swell of disapproval was refreshing and the stories of their inability to even police their own bad breath soon heartened me. I should point out that I made a record-breaking Baptism this visit, I baptized Cmdr Beamkids in Colonia and less than 14 minutes later I baptized his bubble twin Cmdr Maxspace in Eravate. I claim the intergalactic title of pan space baptism speedrun.
Colonia itself has been fairly busy and many new faces were vaccinated to protect my flock. You would think the ungrateful bastards would be thankful that not only did I save them from the virus but I also saved them a 4-minute Supercruise across the system to Jaques. I licensed the Gonk’n’go fast delivery service to help me in the process. The Kings of Davs also completed their year-long vigil at the Davs Hope site, a whole year of lockdown completed. Thousands of cmdrs were caught stealing the holy artifacts and made to pay the price the fucking greedy cunts. For anyone wishing to collect a Permit please visit Cmdr Leman Russ VI in Sothis where he will stamp your fucking card well and truly.
Whilst in the Bubble I came across a phenomenon that was more alien to me than a thargoid gangbang, It seems that a race of humans, mainly of the male orientation have fixated on nubile, scantily clad, and frankly way out of their league women on the platform Twitch. This race of beings bears the name SIMPS. Latching on to some pipe dream that the money-grabbing bitch on screen really does “like” them and that if they simp fucking hard enough she may throw them a fucking bone to suck on. Such “women” seem to thrive on smutty schoolboy crushes whilst grooming the simps E-PEEN to milk them for their adoration. In truth said simps are pissing in the wind and have got no fucking chance of even being noticed. These simps will defend their liege both vociferously and with so much cringe that would cause any normal human being to sneeze, vomit and shit all at the same time. I struggled to believe such inadequate specimens existed till I caught wind of 15000 fucking simplords watching a stream of girl sleeping, in the vain hope that they would finally get a flash of their very first gash. Fucking virgins man, they ain’t special you should ask my mum she was a virgin all her life, My dad fucking still thinks she was shagging the milkman behind her back and made up the immaculate conception to save her arse.
And what of my man Albino? Well, that shitlord has only gone and bought one of them fucking Fleet Carrier things. Lording it around the bubble like the cunt he is. I clearly pay that arse bandit way too much. I have to admit though it made my bubble vacation much more comfortable. Shame however that you cannot get a strip club installed then I could bring old two titty tina with me next time.
Well, that’s pretty much it, so in essence, we should take the following away from this sermon,
- Spear are fucking retards
- Spear are fucking shit
- Spear will come on your PS4
- Simps are fucking retards
- Simps are fucking shit
- Simps will come on their keyboards.
- And finally that Albino is going soft in the head and needs a good fucking booping.
FUCKING flapsucking fuck cunt fuck, you go on a Holy visit to the outer edge of the Galaxy to anoint the primitive races there, and all shit lets loose while you are away. I leave a perfectly functioning Nebula and a thriving business and I come back to see that Triple nippled Tina has had to sell one of her tits to make ends meet. Not only has Covid fucked everything, CIDE, EN and those L’Awfuls SPEARG have just sold the whole community to the fucking Imperials and Feds for a reet good butt fucking.
I should have seen it coming when I left Carcosa and Fuego and his granny kickers were hanging around. Seems that killing yourself in Private group is the new meta for the white knight community. I mean, they are called shitters for a reason, they probably clogged on themselves the thundercunts. Anyway, to cut a shit story short they turned up killed themselves lots, fucked the nebula, blew up Yianni, cried because they all got stuck here, and then suicided back. They left some behind but they have evaporated too. “The saviors of the nebula” lol my fucking spotty arse, more like “The suckers of the Nobula”.
Still, they fucked off and good riddance, not before fucking the whole place up and turning it in to a ghost town first. Did I mention they did most of this shit in Private Group?? That just leaves the Colonia cunting Limpdicks, yes the Galaxy's least successful PvP squad has reformed, most likely to donate their bodies to be blown up as it would have been the logical outcome anyway. The legionnaires stuck to their usual PvP mode of PG and offered up their very best ships to be slaughtered. They undoubtedly are still around. No fucker else will tolerate them. Why oh why do I have to be so fucking forgiving.
All this fuckery aside thing slowly return to normal here, Tina still minus a tit but I only got two hands anyway so I can make the best of that problem, I guess. One good thing is the queen has returned, unlike the Chronicles of Narnia the BushRat is not as nice as the ice queen and has set about overbreeding and filling the systems with her rats, They have fucked, killed or just generally tortured every NPC they could find.
The Bubble grew in population hugely in the middle of November. Burgeoned by the Epic freebie giveaway, it was reported that Galactic Gank Initiative scienced the fuck out of the start zone and proved that seal clubbing is fun for at least one of the participants. The start zone and surrounding systems are now affectionately known as the Galactic Wack A Mole constellation. Like lemmings they were every fucking were, many survived as a result of pure numbers but thousands made the lemming style jump to their doom. The L’awfuls threatened to protect them but as usual they never turned up or just got cuntslapped as usual.
And that brings me to the recent regional events. Lickmyassdeeler have turned ganker, they are not very good mind you and probably struggle to find many targets in their PG. they were resoundingly fucked right out of Centralis last week and that must have hurt, Rolando64 thought he might take it out on one of the lesser prepared members of the ratpac the fucking cunt. After ignoring the Queen and other suitably outfitted members of the squad he chose poor muggle, and that was his mistake. Last seen hi waking to Ogmar and taking the log off express to Private, good job brave Cmdr. Several days and multiple donger rebuys later they surfaced in Ogmar and after a short conversation with the Queen, they apologised, but fuck em. The clitpeelers are dying in the bubble now and the region, their builds are sloppier than a pint of fannybatter. Clearly sick of being dry humped at every conceivable opportunity they said sorry. Fucking sorry, this is the noble group that abandons their faction mates to die, hides in PG when the reaper comes knocking. It will never stop I promise that.
Traffic has slowly increased as the festive season brings many visitors to my congregation, most bring gifts and spend their time at the club. Those that don’t are dunked in the font of fucking rebuy. My birthday is in a few days and I am really pleased that so many people have remembered, although that fat cunt Saint Nick and his saggy red suit has been stealing the limelight for way too fucking long. That twats getting ganked the second he hits my roof I tell ya, I will shove his fucking mince pie and carrot right up his fucking arse. As for Rudolf, he will look shagging awesome on my wall as a trophy. Rudolf came, Rudolf saw, Rudolf ate a fucking dynamite carrot.
Well that's it, my Birthday tomorrow and i got to make space for all those awesome gifts i stole from Santa when i stewed Rudolf. There will be a party at The Church tomorrow evening, i still got some of that communion wine Phisto brewed, smells like donkey shit but packs a wallop like a Pacifier to the midriff of an unengineered type 9.
But a cunt kicking you in the bollocks is not always the worst thing that can happen. I will be out and about tomorrow saying hi to whoever is around, please return the favour. I was gonna give Bino the day off but he has been slacking with Queen Bitch Rat way too much this year so i revoked his holiday so also say hi if you see him, might be advisable if you did actually as he is pretty pissed off.
Lost and Found.
Lost - A whole Federal Fleet stolen from Carcosa by a bunch of fucking hypocritical shortsighted and PG dwelling Cuntards. If anyone wants it back just go kill shit in Carcosa or support the real owners The Nameless.
Lost - Likedeeler Cmdr going by the name Rolando64. Last seen in Ogmar hitting the "get me the fuck out of here" button (aka PG session). If found be quick because he may just disappear in a pile of biowaste.
Lost - One times bodily part good price paid for return of one of a set of three. Speak to Colonia Jesus with the codeword BOOBIES
Lost - any respect we ever had for Likedeeler when they blame their ship build instead of their shit ability to pilot said ship.
Found - Pile of Biowaste in Whirling Station, still steaming when discovered has a faint whiff of LoMaC about it, see Queen Bushrat if you want it back.
Found - Rare elusive breed of cumstained fuckwits, CL76 have been sited in the region. Last seen dying a lot and jacking in their ideals but now reinstated to position of dummy targets.
I Colonia Jesus request your presence at my socially distanced 3306th birthday party. All the usual games and frolics. Timings are 25th December 00:01 am till we drop.
Fairground provided by Queen Bushrat with infinite attempts to ride the swing with her. Bring protection, lots of it.
Waka Legionnaire - no weapons required they gonna log anyway.
Pin the tail on a Lickdonger - bring your A game they quick in that relog button
Hide and Seek, the federal fleet has secreted itself away somewhere close by, find it and you get a special surprise. Don't bother looking in Carcosa though.
Music provided by the Choir requests welcomed but do not be upset if they are to pissed remember the fucking words.
Cmdr Head_Case and his vocabulary lectures, Looking for that new insult, something unique, exotic, or just downright filthy come and check him out.
Holy Shitting Fuck, the globaldemic has really fucked my life up. The local fuzz has shut down my joint and the Church too. I can still hold my sermons by digital means but wtf how can I collect my taxes by fucking Skype?? The new thing is this Zoom, I am lucky if most of my flock can open their front door let alone a computer. So, I made the decision to head bubblewards and sort this shit out once and for all. The Sidewinder Express may smell of 2 week old puke and stale doritos but it beats the honk jump honk method.
I stepped into the stench and palid light of Trevithick and shudders ran down my spine, well at least I thought it was a shudder it turned out to be a steady trickle of bodily fluids unknown from the hangar ceiling. Time to get the fuck out of there. Way too many snivelling retards for me to hang round there. My first port of call was to build a halfway decent ship and start punishing these cunting bubbledwellers for pissing me round and shutting down my income.
I forgot just how shitting annoying engineering was in the Bubble, yeah you got everything maxed but fuck me you need an exploration ship to visit them all. Colonia got that shite well sorted, 4 systems all in 1 or 2 jumps and even that creepy occupied escape pods pedo is not that bad in the end. Despite my efforts I needed some credit, my now neutered cash flow was way lower than I felt comfortable with. The current best earner is Fucking mining, these bubble apes go totally twatting nuts for it. Here I am the rightful son of God and I am having to resort to shooting fucking rocks for a few coins.
Borann is the place supposedly, Albino told me of this den of inequity. So many retards, weebs, furries and downright fucked in the heads that it is enough to drive a man to murder. Sounds like my kind of place to be honest. The second I dropped in it started, the cacophony and stench of bears was everywhere, after a few moments my fucking python smelt like a Trevithick sidewinder. Summoning all my saintly strength I hit the fucking mute button and stuck some cherry flavoured bubblegum up my nostrils to hide the smell of bear shit and all the unleashed hormones. I would be back later to sort these fuckers out. Two hours and 300 million later I was out of there like a gypsy from a job centre.
To cut a long story short I built my ride and went to see my old buddy Albino the cunt. I managed to find him stalking Queen Bushrat The right royal bit on the side. I caught them dry humping each other behind the cooling towers in Davs, despite his downright pale skin Albino went the same colour as Bushy’s fucking ship. And that was that we took to our ships and headed to Borann to fucking whip those cunts into shape. No sooner were we there then the shit started, as soon as it started the fuckers paid for it, the new ship was pretty damn good, an all frag phantom.
Those miners are so fucking stupid they really are, they drop in and queue up to die, Albino recently cleaned out a 9 Cmdr instance and not one of them had the fucking idea that it was too dangerous and to fuck off sharpish. That about sums them up, a bunch of pissed up stoners that like to wax lyrical about the latest fetish they read about in their mother’s diaries. Fucking incels the lot of them.
I had all I could take so thinned out to go meet the Kings of Davs and wax a few nerds there too. Davs is one of those places where it is all or nothing, the gank gods smiled on me again, they were persecuted and obliterated for stealing the toilet rolls from the bogs at Davs. Not content with milking those fuckers dry I headed to Sothis and oh my fucking God they still never learned. I shit on them, Albino Shits on them, just about everyone else shits on them and they literally open their fucking mouths and swallow the whole pile, the greedy bastards.
I feel at this point I had made my point and that these bubble retards need to fucking knuckle down and sort their shit out. And it was time to fuck off home and see if the peelers had chinned off from outside my
club church. So, what had I learned from this trip?
- Fetid Doritos smell and taste fucking rank.
- Not everything that drips from above is rain.
- Bubble dwellers are massive cunting idiots that cannot even follow a trail of arrows in a supermarket when it is there to save their fucking lives.
- Borann is thargoid for “Village full of utter cunts”
- Davs is Thargoid for “stupid bog roll thieving fucks live here”
- Sothis is Thargoid for “We eat shit and die”
- Finally, Covid was a clear attempt by clever humans to eradicate the stupid fucker element from society.
Nestled down in the bosom of my congregation (well triple nippled Tinas bosoms anyway) I realised how lucky I was to be the son of god. The old man was not that bad usually. I consider myself blessed with good friends, good sport a girl friend with three tits (just do not tell the wife). I will leave you all on that positive thought, but always remember when shit gets bad and you feel pretty fucked, it was probably all your own fault.
I figured my time has come to have my say on the current state of the Galaxy, Well earthlings you went and fucked it all right up you bunch of utter cunts. All you had to do was stay at home for a few weeks and sweat it out, but noooooo you could not do a simple fucking thing like that could you?? You had to rape every toilet roll shelf in the Solar System and now I got shag all to wipe my fucking arse on?? As we speak Covid-19 is spreading across the Galaxy faster than a Carebear can pull out his Ethernet cord when he sees a hollow icon on his radar. So now I am having to resort to wiping my crack on last years Christmas Carol Song sheets. I can promise you I will pay you back for every shitting paper cut I now have between my perfect cheeks.
It started with some greedy bastard eating a bloody bat, I mean what did the fucking bat ever do?? Granted the squeaky fuckers are creepier than a conference centre full of those Fricking Furries, but still what did they ever do to deserve being eaten?? Why not murder all the damn Furries and eat them?? They can stick their Fursonas right up their arse. A faggier bunch of arse bandits it would be harder to stumble across. Anyway, I digress, back to bats and the Chinese. So those shortarsed takeaway toting twats have now cursed everyone all for the sake of sucking off a bat, and now we are all being ganked by Corona.
So, there I was in my apartment laughing my dick off in Colonia at the state of the bubble as lockdown after lockdown kicked in. Thinking to myself that we were safe in my little oasis. No fucker is gonna come piss on my bonfire I thought. But no, the only thing worse than Bat chomping, bog roll hoarding, Dettol drinking Earthlings is those fucking explorers. Not content with passing their shit onto everyone for 5000Ly they come to my front fucking door. With their coughs and sniffles and 2m fucking social distancing. What a load of cack licking retards they are. Social fucking distancing?? I mean what the actual fuck, if they managed to come fucking 22000ly what is 2 metres gonna matter to em???
Anyway, no matter now they are here, like a wart on a strippers fanny they are just gonna make life awkward all round, I mean who is gonna wanna pay money to see a warty twat? They are here now and last time I had a cough like this was the last time I drank all of Bush Rats gin and found out it was Majiks fungal toe rot remedy. Yeah I got pissed but I had to wait 3 weeks for my tonsils to grow back. On the plus side those nodes on my vocal cords were fixed. I am sat here wondering what the frig to do now??? Well aside from visiting Lickdongers station and running my naked body along all the corridors and wiping my shitty arse on all their cutlery. I could ask my dad to fix the problem but he won’t he got it too and being 6-million-year-old the Feds have locked him down in his treehouse away from mum.
On a none Corona note i am pleased to say that Cmdr Bino "no i ain't fucking mexican" Sanchez has been spreading the lords word and fighting the Anarchists fight. In between slipping away to boop the BushRat at every possible opportunity. Fuego the shite knight has arrived in the region and despite his lawful claim seems to be picking a fight with every one. Phisto is just Phisto, he got to be making coin on the shit thats going down. I am betting he has a warehouse full of shit roll and hand sanitizer, all handy stuff for that sneaky finger blast or a posh wank without infecting yourself or the rest of teh population. Oh and Fuckdev have announced the release of their latest shitfest in fleet carriers, and thats great just gonna bring more dickheads from the bubble our way.
So I am going to leave now with some suggestions for making life a bit easier over the next few weeks.
- Kill anyone whose name rhymes with Wing or Wong or is seen flying an Asp Explorer it is all their fault.
- When sneezing always use the correct method
- Ingesting bleach anally is said to give you a sore arse, so do not do that.
- Covering exposed skin/orifices is advised, I have some spare condoms for those that need an all over body suit (I only used them twice)
- Have plenty of bored games if you’re stuck indoors. Real life Cluedo is a great substitute where you can use either an explorer, lickdonger or a Curry munching bat addict as a corpse
- The virus is said to attack the young, elderly and vulnerable first so make them sleep near the door to protect yourself.
- If you start to run out of the essentials Call me I got a great takeaway racket going with the Golden Sun Restaurant they are doing a special on Chicken (honest)
- Finally if all else fails Go buy some of Majiks Fungal Toe Rot remedy, it tastes like shit but by the time you sober up it will all be over.
Holy Shit what a fucking party, I mean it is not every day you are 3305 years old?? It is gonna take me all year to fucking get over this hangover. It is the kind of hangover that would kill a fucking clogger before he got his hands off his keyboard. Fuck knows what happened, but my arse has burns on it and I stink of deep heat, gonna have to hold on for a while before I feel up to taking a crap. I woke up 22000 fricking Lightyears from home and I literally have no clue how the fuck that happened. Urghhh the bubble so far from my heavenly oasis.
I would not mind betting that my old man has something to do with it. The cunt probably thought it would be funny to anally intrude me with a cricket bat covered in ralgex, before fucking me back off to the festering shithole called earth. I mean I kind of deserve it, I guess. The house painted in shit thing kind of annoyed him more than he let on. I mean one minute I am choosing which triple nippled beauty was getting my holy divineness for the night and then bam I was jumped by what seemed to be like the whole cast of the fucking bible. Trussed up and thrown into the ball pit at shooters for a surprise party. It was a double celebration to be honest, in the first instance it was to get me so fucked up in memory of my birthday and also to say a huge Thanks to those Cmdrs that worked tirelessly to bmake G5 Interdictors a reality in Colonia. headed up by our very own Cmdr Brap Man his efforts will surely be put to good use in the coming months and years, cheers Cmdrs for such a special gift.
Booze flowed onionhead rained down like mana from heaven and all my mates were there. I think I caught a glimpse of one of the Lost Souls in there too, still fucking crying like a salty bitch though. Anyway, all I can really remember was beer, blow an elephant and some fleeting glimpses of triple nipple Tina performing her party trick for all to see, how she got all those in her mouth I have no fucking idea. The rest was blank, more blank than Fresse Blutstroms screen after he pulled the cord for yet another clog. And now here I am, 22000 lightyears from home, no money, no ships and no fucking clue what is going on. So I looked up my old buddy Albino. He came and picked me up and took me on a wild ride of death and debauchery in an attempt to sober me up.
Dav’s got my attention first followed by an evening or two in Sothis. I see why Albino bought himself a holiday home down there, fucking idiots in shieldless ships and no fucking armour deserve everything they get. I see he has taken to spreading my own style of gospel with extreme effect. I thought I could gank but fucking hell that Albino is a ganking machine. I almost felt sorry for the poor twats we dunked that day; they had no chance. But why, why is it always those elite cmdrs that clog? Cmdr Sinisterror can you tell me???? You dirty fucking twat.
Right now though we are sat in Hajangai , home of the Lost Souls expedition burning notoriety and sticking two fingers up at Cmdr Avarice and his cronies. All those threats and all those promises of retribution hahahah fucking cuntards. I am the lord of retribution I am COLONIA FUCKING JESUS. I kind of got no idea what is gonna happen next but Bushrats crew are here in the bubble too, strange coincidence that if you cunting well ask me. I am gonna loan a ship off Albino and pop over and have a “chat” once my arse calms down. I may as well do some shit (hurts just thinking about it to be honest) while I am here too, and finally sort out a ride back to the Nebula. So till I do finally get back don’t burn the place down and stay safe my children. And do not forget 364 days till my birthday fuckers so get saving.
No fucking Parish Notices because some cunt posted me to Earth
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